“Brother, let me be your shelter!" ~NEEDTOBREATHE
Vulnerability.
It’s a struggle
for me. It’s a struggle
for every man. We like to put our strengths
on display and conceal our weaknesses. Sadly,
it’s possible for us to know a man for years – to see him every day at the
office or every weekend at church – without ever having a meaningful conversation
with him. We stay at the surface because
it feels safe. But from my own
experience, I can testify that we were made for more than only pragmatic,
surface level conversations.
Time for some Honesty:
When
I worked in sales, my life appeared successful on the outside. Inside though, I felt dead. My accomplishments were my way of coping with
a deep insecurity I had carried within me since I was a kid. Eventually during my career, I reached a
place of vulnerability where I experienced brothers in Christ loving me in my
weakness. That moment changed my life
dramatically. But it only happened
because I was willing to look honestly at my problems.
Are
you in touch with your weakness? Or are
you numb like I was for so long? In his
book Wild at Heart, John Eldredge
says that “a wound unfelt is a wound [that remains] unhealed.” The crisis of male vulnerability today is not an
accident. It stems from the insecurities we
have as men. It comes from the way we
have tried to cope with deep hurts in our life.
In my hurts, I relied on myself and other’s opinions of me rather than
the Father who loves me as I am. But we end
up deceiving ourselves when we ignore our pain.
The Lord encourages us to “not be afraid” to make the first step toward
vulnerability: looking honestly at our brokenness (Isah 41:10).
Exposing the Wounds:
I
was at a men’s retreat in Tiger, GA a few years back. On the retreat were some of the top Catholic
ministry leaders across the country.
After brief introductions, the MC opened the retreat with this comment.
“My
name is Jack*, and I am a failure
of a husband, father, and Catholic.”
I
was absolutely shocked. Never before had
I experienced grown men being so genuinely open about their weaknesses. They echoed the words of St. Paul where he
says, “I willingly boast about my weakness, that the power of Christ might be
perfected in me” (2 Cor 12:9). The men
on that retreat and St. Paul were unafraid to openly talk about their
weaknesses because they had something in common: they had exposed their wounds
to Jesus Christ.
Doubting
God’s goodness, we often try to hide our pain from him. Adam’s first reaction after eating the apple
was to hide, but the Father still sought him out in love (Gen 3:9). Prayer stops becoming lifeless repetition for
us when we actually start exposing our wounds to Jesus. Because in Jesus Christ, we find a man who is
not afraid to expose his wounds to
us. After the resurrection, Jesus came
to Thomas and said, “Put your hand in my side and believe” (John 20:27). In Jesus, we do not find an impersonal God
who doesn’t care about our pain, but a man who “is able to sympathize with our
weakness” (Heb 4:15). When we experience
Jesus loving us at our worst, we no longer need to hide our insecurities and
receive the freedom to be vulnerable.
True Brotherhood:
The
fruit of vulnerability – guided by prudence – is true brotherhood. Think of the friendship of Frodo and Sam from
The Lord of the Rings. These two men (hobbits actually) spent a lot
of time together in the safe home of their Shire. But vulnerability really begins for Frodo and
Sam once they step out of their hobbit holes on a journey to save the
world. They talk along the way about
their hopes and dreams, about their disappointments and failures. They bear each other’s burdens. We see clearly how just as “iron sharpens
iron, man sharpens man” (Prov 27:17). As
the story plays out, it is not strength and power that saves the world, but
true brotherhood.
What
an utter travesty it is that we have reduced our concept of intimacy to mere
sexual expression. No wonder we as men
often feel so empty and alone. The Book
of James guides us toward true brotherhood by saying, “Confess your sins to one
another that you may find healing” (Jam 5:16).
Of course, this applies to the great gift of the Sacrament of Reconciliation
for us Catholics. But I believe this is
also an encouragement for us to be vulnerable.
St. Augustine courageously shows us the way to do this in his book The Confessions. There, he reveals the good, bad, and ugly
of his life and where God was working the whole time.
Under St. Augustine’s patronage, I have been
involved in several small groups where men intentionally share their lives with
each other. In these
meetings, I have seen conversion take place, healing occur, vocations develop,
and lasting friendships form. The enemy
tries to make us believe that we are alone.
By sharing our struggles, we fulfill the scripture in Revelation that
says, “For the accuser of our brothers
has been cast out, who accuses them day and night before our God. And they have conquered him by the blood of
the Lamb and by the word of their
testimony” (Rev 12:10-11).
The Courageous Step toward Vulnerability
If
you are not currently in a men’s group, have you sought one out in your
community? Any form of a men’s group is
good: a bible study, Knights of Columbus, etc.
However, I particularly encourage support groups like Christ Renews His
Parish (CRHP), Cursillo, That Man is You (TMIY), or some other small group
model with intentional sharing. If this
is not available in your church/community, I challenge you to start one. Seriously!
It only takes one man to step out and say “I struggle” to give other men
the freedom to be vulnerable too.
You
were not made for isolation; you were made for communion. May you have the courage to make a concrete
step toward vulnerability in whatever way that looks like in your life right
now. Do not be afraid to expose your wounds
to Jesus who knows our pain and always seeks to find us.
#
Written by Joey Martineck
Beautiful Things
Bibliography:
*Name substituted for privacy.
John Eldredge. Wild at
Heart. (Thomas Nelson: Nashville, Tennesee). 2010.
Lord of the Rings Graphic: http://www.morethaneitheralone.net/frodo-sam-recs.html
Well said brother! - Bryan Wilson
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