“I so hate consequences; running from you is what my best defense is.”
~Relient K
At 10:30 PM when I
left St. Louis, the snow was already starting to fall. I drove as fast as I could on I-70E, trying
to get home to Indianapolis before the big blizzard hit. The storm was trailing closely behind me. I kept trying not to think of how bad it
would be if my tiny Honda Civic got stuck in the middle of Effingham. Just when I thought I was going to make it –
less than an hour away from my apartment – the blizzard came down hard. I was forced to roll sluggishly the remainder
of the way home. Sometime after 3:30 AM,
I finally arrived...exhausted.
I could have
waited. I could have stayed in St. Louis
and avoided battling the storm. So you
might ask: why would anyone make such a crazy trip?
Because I was
running away from God.
#
Okay, let me give
you a little more backstory. I went to
St. Louis in the first place to see some friends, but also to get away for a
while. During that time in my life, many
good things were happening. I had great friends,
a nice apartment, and an esteemed sales job with one of the top Fortune 500
companies. But the truth is: I was
deeply unhappy. I wanted more for my
life, but I kept telling myself that things would get better if I just got
married or if I got a different job. In
the couple months prior, however, the idea of priesthood started surfacing in my mind like never before.
And it scared the
pants off me.
I arrived early in
St. Louis so that I could visit the Cathedral Basilica. The beauty of the church touched my heart. I stayed there for Mass and a young deacon gave
an inspiring homily. After Mass, I went
to the front of the altar and lay down prostrate with all my concerns. I
rededicate my life to you, Lord, I prayed.
Show me what you want for me.
I left the church
and went to the restaurant to meet up with my friends. We had a great time laughing and telling
stories. They had informed me that their
friend Carlos would also be joining us. That
was no problem with me – until Carlos actually showed up. To my disbelief, Carlos was the deacon who I
had just heard preaching at Mass. And as
it turns out, he was also a seminarian, only a few months away from being
ordained to the Catholic Priesthood.
I don’t know how
he did it, but Deacon Carlos saw right through me that night. I could sense that he somehow knew my confusion
and pain even more than my friends could grasp.
He shared his story about what led him to the priesthood. Every word out of his mouth seemed to speak
to all my fears and insecurities. What
bothered me the most though was that this dude was happy. He was genuinely
happy! How was that possible? A celibate man (how unnatural!), sworn to a
life of service is happier than me, a wealthy bachelor with complete autonomy?
When I saw on the weather
radar that the storm was approaching, I announced that I had to leave. My friends worried about me making such a
dangerous trip back. Then Deacon Carlos
said, “You know, you are welcome to stay the night at the seminary if you
like?” In my mind, I screamed: NEVER!!! I promptly bolted out of there after some quick
goodbyes and began my arduous trek home.
In the wee hours
of the morning, when I finally laid in my bed, I sighed deeply and asked
myself:
What am I running from?
#
Have you ever been
like me and tried to run away from God?
Maybe for you it isn’t the call to seminary; maybe it’s a call to a
relationship, a ministry, or to intimacy with God in prayer. Sometimes it’s okay for us to wrestle with
God. Jacob wrestled with God from
evening until dawn and afterward his name was changed (Gen 32:24-28). God gives us the freedom to wrestle with him because
he loves us, but when we finally give up the fight, we are changed for the
better. Surrender can be challenging though...even
for two-year old princesses.
A couple years
back, I was at my goddaughter’s princess birthday party. All her neighborhood baby friends were there,
including little Emily. For some reason,
all Emily wanted to do that day was run toward the basement stairs and hurl
herself down headlong. Therefore, I was
put in charge of making sure little Emily stayed in the play area in the family
room. Little Emily made numerous attempts
to run to the stairs, but I gently stopped her each time. She put up this fight for at least an hour
until one last time she ran over to me.
I picked her up to prevent her from going to the stairs like I had been
doing. But this time, her head slumped
on my neck and she rested in my arms.
Little Emily was done fighting. For
the rest of the party, she just let me hold her.
When we surrender
to God, we are not giving in to a tyrant who wants to Lord over us. Instead, we are allowing ourselves to be held
by our Father who loves us. He delights
in caring for us and only “gives good gifts to his children” (Matt 7:11). Whether or not I am called to be a priest, I
am so grateful to God for sending Deacon Carlos to me that night and for
bringing me to seminary. It is a daily
surrender for me – and for all of us – to receive God’s provision and stay in
the arms of our Father.
#
Written by Joey Martineck
First posted at Beautiful Things: http://www.joeymartineck.blogspot.com/
Names changed for privacy.
Graphic: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2869606/Brrrrace-Weather-bomb-brings-ice-10cm-SNOW-temperatures-drop-3C-torrential-downpours-hit-southern-England.html
No comments:
Post a Comment