“You’re so mean when you talk about
yourself.” ~Pink
Ball.
We’re
halfway through my little league baseball game when our pitcher gets injured.
The coach calls me up on the mound to take his place. With sweat on my
forehead, I hurl the ball, hoping for a strike.
Ball.
After
a couple more tosses, I walk the first batter. Everyone is watching me from the
stands. Though nothing is spoken, I can hear what they’re thinking. It’s the
same conversation I’m having with myself in my head. You suck. We’re going to lose the game because of you. Why can’t you do
anything right?
Ball.
Ball. Ball x10...
I
can’t seem to throw a strike and walk several more batters. More embarrassingly,
my arm is tired now and I struggle even to reach the catcher’s mitt. Time
crawls, trapping me in the moment. I’m praying for the coach to take me out of
the game, but he doesn’t. Only after the other team has racked up a good set of
points do we finally catch a pop ball and ending the inning. We lost the game
that day.
And
I never pitched again.
Understanding Shame:
Shame. Nobody
talks about it. But if we’re honest, I’d be willing to bet that many of us have
experienced some sort of shame in our lives. Perhaps you we’re affected by
shame in a way similar to me on the pitcher’s mound. Or maybe for you it was
different, such as feeling shame in something to do with your body, your
intelligence, money, a romantic relationship, humiliation by your boss, difficulties
in parenting, etc. In any case, shame overpowers us, gets inside our most sacred
spaces, and demands that we keep it hidden from everyone.
Dr. Brene Brown
has done groundbreaking secular research on shame and confirms what we’ve
always known: the experience of shame causes us severe pain that should never
be taken lightly. Brown writes that according to a 2011 study funded by the
National Institute of Mental Health, “researchers found that, as far as the
brain is concerned, physical pain and intense experiences of social rejection
hurt in the same way” (Brown, 71). She helps us to define shame as a fear of
disconnection and explains why we are continuously affected by it in the
summarized points below (Brown, 68).
- Humans are wired for connection.
- Authentic connection is impossible without vulnerability.
- Vulnerability always leaves the door open for shame.
For Brown, the cure is not eliminating the possibility of shame – for to do that,
one would have to sacrifice vulnerability (Brown, 74). Rather, we must learn to combat shame by
frequently coming back to a place of worthiness (a.k.a shame resilience). She
approaches this from a secular perspective, but as Christians, we can find
special significance in her work because we believe our worthiness comes from our
unchanging identity as beloved sons and daughters of God.
Seeing Another Seeing You:
In
Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, a
young boy has an encounter with an enchantress who violates the dignity of his
body. For many years after, he carries around a wall of anger and
cold-heartedness. But his mean demeanor ultimately flows from the shame buried
deep within that makes him feel like he is an unlovable beast. Only when Belle
begins to see into his heart with an “interior gaze” (TOB 13:1) – where she sees
all of him and is not disgusted – only then does he begin to realize his own
worthiness. The Beast experiences a transforming love that frees him to be
vulnerable and enter into a loving connection with another.
Jesus
sees you too. All of you. And he is not ashamed at what he sees.
Shame entered into
our humanity after the fall and we have been wrestling with it ever since. We
still wear the fig leaves because we are afraid to be naked, to be vulnerable. But
Karol Wojtyla writes that in the nakedness of Jesus on the cross, “shame is
swallowed up by love” (Love & Responsibility, 181).
I am so grateful
to Dr. Brene Brown for her research that is helping me to develop the daily
practice of shame resilience. I highly recommend reading her book Daring Greatly which gives us language
to speak boldly about shame. Through her work and the grace of God, you and I
can receive the courage needed to step back up to the pitcher’s mound. Amidst
the many voices speaking shame and self-doubt in your head, have the courage to
listen to the voice of the Father that says you are good enough no matter what.
#
Written by Joey Martineck
First posted at Beautiful Things: http://www.joeymartineck.blogspot.com/
References:
Brene
Brown, Ph.D., LMSW. Daring Greatly: How
the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead:
Penguin Group (New York, 2012).
John Paul II, Man and
Woman He Created Them: A Theology of the Body, Pauline Books, Boston. cf
TOB
Karol Wojtyla, Love
and Responsibility, Ignatius Press (1960).
Graphic
borrowed from: http://www.hypable.com/beauty-and-the-beast-2017-trailer-release-date/
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